Haunting is hard, scaring is hard, life is hard. (or was hard, assuming you’re a ghost, like me) I, Jerv the ghost, am the best haunter of all time so you can count on me to tell you how to haunt. I wrote and made all of these myself, despite what critics say I am the most scary but also most trustworthy ghost. One could call me transparent. (get it.. Because ghosts.. See through…Nevermind.. Dad was right… I am bad at this) 

STEP ONE: finding the Right place to haunt.  

You have to get the right area to haunt, preferably somewhere a little spooky. This place should be spooky because otherwise, it just gets pretty awkward. One time I tried to haunt a wedding venue, the bride kept on screaming about how she knew grandpa would never approve. She did try to fight me, I was spooked. She was a total Bridezilla. So try something like an abandoned building.Like an old psych ward, or hospital, maybe even a scary bridge. Abandoned buildings work because people are already scared when they get there, you rookies can start there. It’s good for those with no haunting expertise and is genuinely considered low effort by us pros. So it’s for you. We all start somewhere, not me though, my mom screamed in terror when I was born.When you get to my level, you can haunt just about anywhere. I know, you’re probably so impressed. I just have that effect on people. (I swear I wasn’t known as a “Frightening Failure” just last year. That was another Jerv he sucks.) 

Places Jerv Recommends to start haunting

• A random Suburban house (for the experienced ONLY)
• A Mcplay place
• A gas station parking lot 
• Roads that are old 

STEP TWO: single them out, start with the weakest one.

It doesn’t sound humane, but when were we people? A popular choice would be a child, so start by being that kid’s friend. You have to be creepy but not creepy to the kid, then it’s just weird. Nobody likes a weird ghost, trust me I know. Anyways, you could always start with the scared person there, the more neurotic the easier it is. Hopefully their friends gaslight them into thinking they’re crazy, making everything funnier. Just talk to them, maybe throw some stuff at them. I like to cite incantations, or at least sound like it, it’s usually just pig latin. I’m sure you can already see my haunting expertise from this alone. I did actually graduate from Ghostiversity with a degree in ‘Terror and Fright’. People never believe me though. (Maybe it is because I paid for the degree and didn’t actually go….I mean they just never expect me to be so good at what I do. Definitely that, yep just that. Nothing else.)

People to haunt

• Little creepy kids
• Scared people 
• Middle class families 
• Random groups of teens

STEP THREE: make yourself known.

START GOING CRAZY. Just throw stuff in the ground, all around, on the walls, on the floor, :make chaos. Give people nightmares, convenience them they have like a family curse or something. Just go crazy. Do something iconic, like blood from the walls, or draw on the wall. I heard if you draw specific stars humans go crazy. I never really got the hype around it, maybe they really like that star on the wall. You know, the star that is surrounded by a circle. I did it once and the people started screaming “Satan”. That really pissed me off. Like I’m Jerv. Who is this “Satan” guy? Anyways this is where you want to pull your signature ghost move. This is like your haunt move, it should be extra spooky and scary. Mine is the slight chanting of Jerv, that then grows into a loud choir of people saying Jerv. ( I like the thought that people are chanting my name, it makes it feel like people care about me.) Though different people respond to these things differently ( no one has yet to be scared of my move, I’ve had one girl laugh in my face.) 

How J

STEP FOUR: profit.

If the people you’ve haunted are smart, they’ll share the story of your spookiness. This should draw in sensational crowds and will spread the rumor of your hauntings. Making you a celebrity. But when they eventually call for an exorcist you need to go. They are the plagues of the haunting industry. How is a ghost supposed to make a name for themself when they get shut down and exercised? (So unfair) This step is the hardest to come across, some people just go straight for exorcism which is the worst. Tread wisely in this phase, it may cost you your life. That’s terrifying. 

So with this new knowledge, go out and get your scare on. Try haunting an already stressed family, or a forever lonely single person the choice is yours. (DON’T TRY TO PURSUE THE SINGLE PERSON, Jerv has done that, Jerv was rejected… badly) Have fun and get prepped for halloween my friends.

Jerv out!

Jerv does not endorse haunting in any way, it should also be noted that Jerv has never been successful in these “Haunting” attempts. Tread cautiously when following Jerv’s advice as Jerv has a track record of suing those who he claims are “Copying him”. Courts have tried to stop him, but his father always pays them off. Jerv is unreliable and has never truly haunted in his life, he doesn’t know what he is talking about. Finally, if you want to be a real fright this Halloween remember: you are scary enough. You freak. 

Hope you enjoyed this satire piece!